The Last 23 Hours: Facebook Updates from Cambridge

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A Facebook Breakdown of the last 23 hours (live from the armchair of my Cambridge apartment):

12:05am: Dear Senate: Turn on the news. Again.

12:46am: Latest update: Suspects of shooting in black Mercedes SUV, last seen at 102 Garden Street. In other news, water is not a human right? WORLD, YOUR SHIT IS BROKE. FIX THIS.

12:50am: I hear police cars everywhere, shooters might be in Harvard Square. My first world illusion of security, shattered. Okay.

12:53am: Reports of grenades used and shots fired. Stay inside.

12:58am: Watertown. Hand grenades and gunfire confirmed. Second officer down. Police perimeter being set up.

1:46am: The opening lines of my penultimate Citizen article (on HKS newsstands next week): “I pen this column amidst the ambient panic of police sirens. This is a terrifying night in the middle of a terrifying week in Boston. I hope that no more tragedies await us between now and when this issue lands in your lap. At a moment when every first world illusion I have seems in jeopardy, what I want to do – and what I have to do – is write.”

3:49am: My body wants sleep, my mind wants rest. Ain’t happening.

3:57am: Where is Batman.

4:03am: Breaking News: More Alleged Stuff I Heard By Pressing My Ear to a Sewage Pipe.

4:23am: Going to sleep. Final post tonight is a light non-sequitur:

Kit Kat Bar

7:55am: Good morning, America. I’ve forgotten what my life sounds like without sirens and breaking news in the background.

8:16am: Embarrassed to say that this map is news to me.

Boston Map

11:56am: America runs on: “There was an automated message going around telling businesses to close, but because we’re Dunkin’ Donuts, we called the police department and they said we didn’t have to [close].”

6:35pm: Lockdown is over, but I am gluing myself to the furniture tonight. And sucking on a napkin for dinner. Or reheating leftovers, whichever tastes more like food.

7:12pm: Lock it back down. Gunshots in Watertown. I need five drinks.

7:17pm: I’m glad eBay is working tirelessly around the clock to give me up-to-the-minute news about shit I can buy while trapped in my home.

7:41pm: Reading up on the hibernation cycle of North American bears. Maybe if I keep reading, there will be a chapter explaining how I can obtain this life skill.

7:48pm: He’s on a boat muthafuckaaaaa. (Maybe.)

8:40pm: Sincerely concerned that this week has desensitized me. My reaction to updates:

Bored Leslie Knope

8:43pm: Alive and in custody?

8:49pm: Alive, in custody. My heart to the heroes and to Watertown. We did it without Batman.

Bat Signal

9:17pm: And now’s the time for the Channel 7 reporter to flirt awkwardly with a Watertown resident.

9:24pm: My friend has an awesome plan: “In celebration, Amy and I are going to go for a walk BECAUSE WE CAN to get Choco Tacos. Any law enforcement we see will get at least 2 Choco Tacos.”

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